Anointing of the Sick: Send for Me

The experience of illness is that of a privation (lack) of a good that ought to be present but is not, viz., wellness, integrity of body and soul. In particular areas, or even in general, we know that ”something’s not right!” Every illness is a prelude to death, the total and final dissolution of the body (CCC 1500).

What happens in the body has its inevitable effects on the soul, and vice versa. An unusually high level of attention to bodily ailments can translate into self-absorption, despair, or revolt against God, or it can promote a more mature appreciation of life’s essentials (1501). Suffering can make us bitter, or better! 

At any point on life’s journey, while we still have our faculties, we can decide in what we call “redemptive suffering” to unite our physical, emotional, and spiritual hardships with Christ’s own—which included ours and everyone else’s anyhow. It is good to make a point of connecting those hardships repeatedly and prayerfully, even when tears and shouts accompany our prayers. We can pray that someone, somewhere, somehow might be assisted by our offering, though we may never get to learn of it on earth.

One of the most noteworthy developments since the Second Vatican Council (1962-1965) occurred in the practice of the Anointing of the Sick. No longer is this sacrament intended solely for the deathbed: when a person is beset by serious illness or the frailty of old age, the time is ripe for anointing. It is also generally indicated before any serious surgery that requires general anesthesia.

Everyone used to call the Sacrament “Last Rites,” and many still do. The pedant in me sometimes gently corrects the misnomer, because I think of opportunities for instruction like a drunk drinks: never pass one up. I often hear talk of having people’s Last Rites “read to” them, as if we were police officers reading Miranda Rights to someone we’ve just arrested. It’s a curious confusion. Since the Sacrament can be repeated when illness returns or intensifies, I say it’s their “Last” Rites only when it’s the actual last time they’ve received it.

But then there’s CCC 1525, which makes a poignant comparison:

Thus, just as the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and the Eucharist form a unity called “the sacraments of Christian initiation,” so too it can be said that Penance, the Anointing of the Sick and the Eucharist as viaticum constitute at the end of Christian life “the sacraments that prepare for our heavenly homeland” or the sacraments that complete the earthly pilgrimage.

Since the Church’s coup de grace (literally, “blow of mercy,” used here in that gentle sense) is said here with convincing pedigree to include Anointing, the precedent for retaining the term “Last Rites” is not bad after all.

In the case of the terminally and gravely ill, Anointing of the Sick ideally takes place alongside Confession and Viaticum (the final reception of Holy Communion). The unfortunate trend has been to wait until the patient/family member is “actively dying,” at which point he or she is often unable to make even a general Confession or ingest the Eucharistic species. While I say the sooner, the better, there is no better time than the present.

I do very much appreciate that families, especially those personally opposed or indifferent to religion, respect the religious and spiritual practices of their elders enough to request Anointing for their loved ones. It’s a spiritual work of justice, and who knows what good it will effect.

As for the Anointing of the Actively Dying, we proceed with the faith that the God Who knows and loves us better than we ever could know or love ourselves can sort out their interior state. The Communion of Saints is on high alert whenever someone “sends for the priests of the Church” (Anointing ritual; cf. James 5:14); it’s like the airing of the bat symbol that moves the Caped Crusader to a dude or damsel in distress. Yes, even at 2:17 AM.

Although the topic of death can be difficult to broach with anyone, let alone a gravely ill person, it can lead to valuable self-reflection (presuming that hasn’t been going on already) and, when necessary, interpersonal healing and reconciliation. Don’t allow fear to unduly delay this graceful activity.

“Their sins will be forgiven” (James 5:15): Anointing of the Sick does forgive venial sins when the recipient is properly disposed to that forgiveness (i.e., sorry). In this life, the forgiveness of mortal sins is reserved to the Sacrament of Penance; amid the need of that forgiveness, Confession is an appropriate complement to Anointing. Be not afraid to do the work of self-examination and to be open to the grace of repentance that Confession requires!

Confession: I'm Not A Good Person

How does one go to Confession in this day and age? Before ever entering the room or booth, it is necessary to take some time to examine one’s conscience—to reflect on the time since the last Confession, however long it has been, and consider the ways one has seriously violated the Commandments. 

Think of the actual words of the commandments, but think also of the deeper meaning behind them. Sure, you may not have killed anyone (#5), but you may have desired serious harm to another by thought or attempted that harm in direct or indirect conversation. You may not have committed literal adultery (#6), but maybe you have had sex with yourself or another in fantasy or reality. You may not have fashioned an idol out of your jewelry, but you may have given some good but lesser activity such importance in your life that you thereby made it “impossible” to give God due worship by attending Mass. These are some of the things to think about and mention in Confession.

In St. Michael’s and most other confessionals, you still have the opportunity to go to Confession anonymously or face-to-face. Our room has a kneeler with a screen, and a seat directly in front of Father. I’ve been a priest for 15 years and a human being for 42 years, so positively nothing you say will give me a bad impression of you. I won’t judgmentally “take it with me” into our regular interactions, except to say I will love and respect you more for your honesty and willingness to change. Plus, I am mindful enough of my own sins and weaknesses that I have no basis to condemn anyone for anything. If you dare to present yourself to the Lord’s priest, you are already showing tremendous cooperation with Grace. 

People often greet me by sheepishly saying, “I’m not sure how to do this,” but then they end up doing just fine! It remains appropriate to begin by making the Sign of the Cross and saying, “Bless/Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been [this long] since my last Confession. These are my sins.” Then you tell me your sins. Then (hopefully!) a little encouragement and/or challenge from the priest, maybe a little conversation, your Act of Contrition, the Church’s Prayer of Absolution, and then freedom!

Don’t sugarcoat yourself by saying, “I’m not a bad person” or “I try to be a good person.” For whatever reason, people might do that because they’re nervous, or ashamed. But could there be a little pride, too? Sit with yourself long enough and you will find evidence of badness. 

For all you used to hear about Catholics, we don’t enjoy guilt, but we do find it helpful because it shows us where we need to grow in love of God and neighbor. We use it only long enough to draw us to Confession and to try to do better in the future. Guilt isn’t meant to become a handy billy club for punishing ourselves or for walking around with a sense of continuous oppression. It never was meant for that!

The more often you go to Confession, the easier it will be. The more you will find to confess. The more the devil will try to convince you that either you are so awful that you’re not worth the space you occupy, or that Confession isn’t necessary because you’re such a saint and everyone else is so wretched. Truth is, we’re all in this life, in this Church, together.

We Are Not Alone

When Jesus sent seventy-two of his disciples out to share their stories of living in His story, He sent them out in pairs, like the "buddy system" we experienced as children. It is always good to have a little reinforcement, some extra encouragement, or challenge, when you need it. This describes the "Communion of Saints," the Church in heaven and the Church awaiting heaven, our brothers and sisters throughout the world and throughout the ages. In addition, the angels who eternally attend to the throne of God also show His providential care--especially our guardians who protect and intercede for us.

One concrete way to remember that we are never alone is the fact that Jesus gave us the Lord’s Prayer in the first person plural: God is our Father, who gives us daily bread, forgives our trespasses as we forgive, leads us not into temptation, and delivers us from evil.

It is important to know that we are not alone because the Evil One is not alone. Satan is the enemy of God’s plan, the enemy of man’s salvation. In league with that enemy are a host of other angels—beings of superior intelligence and freedom, just like the holy angels, but with the difference that they decided to invest that superior intelligence and freedom in a manner contrary to the desire of God. While they cannot best God, they seem to have a way with us human beings.

They do that by capitalizing upon our weak spots, which are our memory and our imagination: the ways we reflect on the past and the future. Remember in Genesis 3 how Satan injected doubt into the minds of the first man and woman, leading them to question whether (in the past) God really said we would die if we ate the forbidden fruit. Satan further polished that fruit to make it look more attractive, leading his customers to wonder how great they’d become (in the future) with all the power, pleasure, wealth, and prestige they could eat. No matter that they would be contravening the will of God in the process, that we would keep turning against one another by using violence and sex as tools for our advantage, meanwhile exponentially increasing our sense of loneliness.

Here’s the Good News: The offspring of the woman—Jesus, Son of God and Son of Mary—has crushed the head of the ancient serpent. He has delivered us from the eternal hold that sin, suffering, and death threaten to have over us. Our weaknesses need no longer define us. In the Genesis story, mercy showed itself in the fact that our first parents didn’t die as soon as they ate the fruit. That gave them, as it gives us whenever we sin, the chance to repent, to seek appropriate reconciliation, and to live again.

By God’s grace we can again appreciate what is beautiful, learn what is true, and choose what is good. That kind of activity contributes to the betterment of our world and the splendor of our God. People on the fence of faith can look at us when we’re striving to live that way and say, “This Jesus, this Catholic Church, is worth something. It might even be worth my life.”

A Grate Experience

The following was a social media response of mine that really got out of hand--you might call it disorganized--but I don't apologize for it. I decided to say it "publicly" because it might apply to other people.

The mystery of all sacraments, but of Reconciliation in a particular way, is this: like Our Lord, it is fully divine and fully human. God empties Himself to make Himself fully available to humanity precisely in the emptiness of our sins. And we priests get to make both God and ourselves available in the sacrament: the fullness of Divine Mercy, but also the whole span--full to empty--of human skill and ill. 

When a priest might critique the quality of a person's Confession
This has become a principle for me, a hard one, a terrible one, a necessary one: I want to be open to whatever truth I can glean from even the harshest criticisms I receive, wherever they come from and whenever they come. I sometimes think of a bloke by the name of Shimei (2 Sam 16:5-13) who started cursing King David publicly and the King forbade his court to retaliate because he believed "the Lord told [Shimei] to [curse him]." I don't know whether any of the priest's criticism applies to you in truth or not, but if it does and you can learn from it, why not? 

Now, if the priest was "having a bad day," or maybe you reminded him of someone else in his recent or distant past or whatever and wasn't able to maintain the necessary distinction "in real time," that's on him and I hope he, like any other human person, can address that area of growth so he can be a better bridge to Christ and not an obstacle, as one Church document exhorted priests to be. 

The actual celebration of this sacrament needs Mercy (i.e. perspective, a new understanding), as whenever a priest has come across less than favorably in the ear of the beholder. Sometimes the moral truth offends or drives people away, and in such instances even Jesus wouldn't backpedal. But when it comes to "grate-side manner," the Church in her humanity becomes the needful recipient of people's forgiveness. 

Some have let one interaction forever preclude any future ones from any priest. There is likely a sort of victimization sometimes experienced, which unfortunately can't be addressed because of the seal, except in terms of a general outreach to return to Confession--the very sacrament that unwittingly might have dealt so much pain to a person. That it remains the privileged forum for mercy in their lives requires heroic strength and grace to accept. 

There are so many contextual layers and angles in any communication, and the divine/human one called Confession merits a seal so sacred and inviolable, that the discussion of particulars must not take place on social media. Priests can't speak about it in any way that would violate the seal. Penitents themselves have to be very careful about what they share with people because once it is said publicly, others wrongly can spread it further, which hurts the penitent and can come around to compromising the seal. 

Just on the merely human level, outsiders don't (and shouldn't) get the full picture, and perhaps neither does confessor or penitent. The fullest part of the full story is Divine Mercy.  He knows all, and says none.

+ + + + +

The person offered the obiter dictum that the priest with whom he had a difficult experience was hearing his confession in another diocese, or was a priest of another diocese, or both; this is no consolation to me, because we're all on the same team.

+ + + + +

Regarding remarks from another commenter, randomly written
Any validly ordained Catholic priest will do. I know it's hard to part with a helpful confessor as any relationship's end can go. Reopening traumatic experiences with a new confessor can be rough. But our spiritual health requires regularity. Simplicity never hurts, on the part of confessor or penitent, because on one hand it reminds us that not every Confession need become a full-on conversation (especially if there's a line). Plus, the less is said (not omitting anything that should be said, of course), the less there's a chance of adding unnecessary layers to the text. I know that Confession may be the only counseling a person ever seeks or receives in his life, and a relationship with give-and-take, with a body of mutual understanding, develops. At the same time, Christ's Church has persisted throughout the ages and throughout the world precisely because to a real extent her priests are "interchangeable parts." If one's sacramental practice departed with his "favorite priest," I might not be ministering among you today!

Sacraments of Healing, Sacraments of Mercy

The Church's Catechism tells us (CCC 1420-1421) that there are two "Sacraments of Healing": Penance/Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick. If we were to consult Sacred Scripture for the roots of these sacred grace-meetings (and we should), I would first consider Jas 5:14-15, which the anointing priest or bishop is supposed to say as part of the rite:

Are there any who are sick among you? Let them send for the priests of the Church, and let the priests pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer of faith will save the sick persons, and the Lord will raise them up. If they have committed any sins, their sins will be forgiven them.

Incidentally (I exaggerate), Jesus Himself indicated:

These signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will drive out demons, they will speak new languages, they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not harm them. They will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover" (Mk 16:17-18)

In Mk 6:12-13, we read that the Twelve Apostles, in connection with a dominical* commissioning, "preached repentance[,] drove out many demons, and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them."

Jesus described the curative successes of "those who believe," while James and Mark elaborate upon the repentance and forgiveness that accompany the priestly encounter. These data would not be in the Bible if Jesus and the early Church did not engage in such healing moments faithfully.

Regarding the foundations for the Sacrament of Penance: James says, "Confess your sins to one another" (5:16). Certainly any relationship beyond that of bowling buddies (though even there, where indicated) would entail the occasional disclosure of faults, through both commission and repentance of faults. James would not have said this, except for the presumed command and expectation to forgive confessed sins.

James, of course, was not necessarily referring to the sacramental transaction, but it makes sense alongside Jesus' post-Resurrection appearance in the Upper Room (John 20:19ff). "Jesus said to them again, 'Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.' And when He had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, 'Receive the Holy Spirit. Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained.'"

Recall how, at the diocesan Mass of the Oils, the Bishop breathes upon the Sacred Chrism while consecrating it. Thus he confers the Holy Spirit upon it for its sealing, consecratory purposes (most notably Baptism, Confirmation, and Ordination to Presbyterate and Episcopate). Where there is a sealing, there is a sending.

We're not supposed to wait until the last minute to seek physical healing. Often the physicians receive the patient when it is too late to do anything helpful. All the more does this pertain to one's spiritual condition. People will wait to "send for the priests" until the person is "actively dying," scarcely able to communicate for themselves.

I wonder whether my generation (X) and younger will have the presence of mind to request the sacraments of penance, anointing, and Eucharist for their dying loved ones, much less obtain these sacraments for themselves as often as befits a son or daughter of God. Provision of spiritual care and religious education are not simply a courtesy, but a responsibility. This is generally considered true for parents vis-à-vis children, and it should also be true for adults regarding their parents--when they no longer can operate for themselves.

While we have our wits, one way we take responsibility for our own spiritual and religious disciplines is frequent and honest Confession. People of all ages will contest, "I'm not a big sinner. I never killed anyone, stole [much]..."

That may be true. The Church commands us to confess only our serious sins, at the minimum of once a year. But that is a minimum. We would change our toothbrush more often, or the oil in (older) vehicles, so why not prevent sin buildup in like manner?

As an apostle of mercy I consider myself obliged to make the suggestion, especially upon an initial visit to a hospitalized person. I certainly don't accuse anyone of being a "big sinner," but I often remind them that there are ten commandments, and various ways to break them.

Most important is the priest's mission (as opposed to "agenda," a word fraught with unsavory connotations) to "draw everyone" to Christ (cf. Jn 12:32). To refuse or defer that invitation is no personal slight, nor is it necessarily a self-condemning action; but "the offer still stands," at least for the patient's length of stay, and they can always seek another priest. The time may not be right, they may want to examine their conscience first--and I can provide material for that!

In any case, it's all about whittling away at excuses, and renewing our commitment to our relationship with Jesus and all we encounter. Can you "confess to God directly"? Sure, but confess also to a priest. It costs nothing but our egos. The priest is as much a sinner as you, perhaps (God forbid) more. But as priest, he is an other Christ, and so he was commissioned by Christ and the Church "to reconcile the world to Himself" one person at a time.

Moreover, the healing is in the relationship. Relationships involve the continuous exchange of loving words and actions that heal. Every human exertion in some way creates micro-tears in our spiritual fiber, just like exercise does for our muscles. These tears are properly repaired through prayer, both communal and personal. Confession is fundamentally a prayer that acknowledges and praises God's goodness and sovereignty over our lives; in that context it is a recognition of our sins and weaknesses, which are the precise occasion for God to act in support of our relationship with Him.

I don't advocate putting off any sacramental attention (Anointing or Penance) because I don't advocate putting off any relationship attention. That's what sacraments are: not things to collect or use, not "Get Out of Hell Free!" passes. Rather, they are demonstrations of God's concern for our union with Him and with our fellow human persons, which is most fully evident in the sacraments' very Source: The Passion, Death, and Resurrection of the Incarnate Son.

*dominical: of, or pertaining to, the Lord [Jesus]; from L. dominicus, from dominus "lord, master."

Reconciliation: The Church's Vital Sign

One thread that runs through today’s readings is vitality.  After His resurrection Jesus appears to the Church as one who, despite all appearances, has all power over sin, suffering, and death.  In Revelation, He claims to “hold the keys to death and the netherworld.”  That is authority!  While death seems all around us, and threatens to take us in time, Jesus has co-opted the end of earthly life into His victory.  Physical death thus becomes the gateway to everlasting life.  As a venerable Christmas hymn declares, “Now ye need not fear the grave: Jesus Christ is born to save!”

         

When Saint John first witnessed the Lord’s bold proclamation, he says that he “fell at his feet as though dead.”  Jesus stretches out His right hand and picks him up.  As material and spiritual beings, we hear today about other examples of how spiritual vitality is conveyed in ways accessible to the senses.  Jesus conveys the Holy Spirit of forgiveness and healing by breathing on the apostles as they gather in the upper room.  Later, the sick congregate around the apostles in the hopes that Peter would pass by them—that, maybe, just being in his presence would do something for them.  All of this supports the Church’s sacraments as tangible vehicles of the divine life, powered by His Word and operated by His ministers.

         

Today we advert to Reconciliation, to Sacramental Penance, as the ordinary means of forgiving serious sin and remitting its due punishment for the next world.  Jesus told the apostles, “Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained.”  He wouldn’t have said that unless He thereby invested the apostles with that sacred power.  To this day people approach the precious court of divine mercy in order to unburden themselves of whatever inhibits their growth in holiness, whatever cuts them off from God and others. 

As an authorized agent of the Holy Trinity, the priest forgives sins and liberates souls for sacrificial, Christian love.  He takes them, as it were, by the right—absolving— hand and raises them up.  By coming to meet the Lord with genuine contrition and deliberate intention, the forgiven penitent comes to share in the vitality of the Lord’s Resurrection in a way that transcends our frail and deceptive senses.  Like Saint John we can stand up and resolutely return to life with a new approach, although it requires our prayerful vigilance.

The abiding offer of divine mercy exhorts us to place our sins with humble confidence in the Lord’s open side, to let them there, and to life the new life of grace.  Don’t let any fears hold you back from a good Confession, whether weeks, months, or years have passed since the last one.  Second only to the offering of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, Reconciliation is the reason for my existence.  And that’s not just because I’m a priest.  Are you not all partakers in the priesthood by virtue of your Baptism?  Then you, too, live to offer yourselves to the Father in union with the Son; you, too, live to repent of your sins and to embark upon a daily voyage of prayer and sacrifice.  Through this belief, may you have life in His Name!

Act of Attrition

As a priest I am privileged to participate in a very specific manner in the "ministry of reconciliation."  Recall Saint Paul's description of Christ's tremendous gift to His Church, to one and all:

Whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come. And all this is from God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Christ and given us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting their trespasses against them and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-19).

In the "formula for absolution" in the Sacrament of Reconciliation we hear echoes of Paul's words:

God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins.  Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

This goes to show that, in Penance and every other ecclesial service, I act not merely on my own behalf but on the Lord's.  At the same time, the Sacrament is an intensely personal encounter of the priest and the penitent.  It can be, for either party, a moment for mingled nervousness and delight.

All of this is prelude to a reflection on the Act of Contrition, which immediately precedes the imparting of absolution.  While the most recent Rite of Penance presents a contemporary version to be offered "in these or similar words," the traditional form (which itself has some variants) is still taught and used in many parishes.

O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee; and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments, but most of all, because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love.  I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.  Amen.

The confessions of children often feature variations on this Act that aren't found in any book.  Some kids omit a phrase or an entire sentence.  Others will replace virtually any word in the Act that has two or three syllables with a similar-sounding word.  Most children make only one or two substitutions per recitation.  Following is a conglomeration of substitutions:

O my God, I am hardly sorry for having defended Thee; and I contest all my sins because of Thy just punishments, but most of all, because they defend Thee, my God, who art all-good and preserving of all my love.  I firmly dissolve, with the help of my grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near temptation of sin.  Amen.

Any priest can add to this ecclesial version of "Kids Say the Darndest Things."  We do so with tremendous respect for our children, whom we are forming in the ministry of reconciliation by guiding them to:

• Awareness of sin, as a conscious and free choice against the God whom we are to love above all else, against the neighbor whom we are to love as ourselves, and against our own very best interests.  
• Examination for particular sins, mortal and venial; modeling the desire to become free from both kinds, eager to let go of unworthy attitudes/actions as we become aware of them.
• Repentance for sins, in light of the countless manifestations of God's tender mercies in our lives. We always revisit the distinction between "imperfect" and "perfect" contrition, the former being based on the fear of punishment (temporal and eternal), and the latter based on our love for God and our deepest desire not to offend Him.  To be "hardly" sorry, to "contest" our sins--by more frequent confession, these attitudes give way to a joyful repentance that is free of self-justification.
• Confession of sins that is integral, omitting nothing because of embarrassment or fear.  This may be the most difficult part of the sacrament, yet the most rewarding!  Children and adults must be assured that priests have heard it all before.  But we are quick to remember that, in the sacrament,  the person approaching us is a fellow wounded member of Christ's Body who desires to be made whole.  I make regular use of the sacrament, at least every 3,000 miles!
• Satisfaction for sins, made by the prompt and attentive discharge of the token penance that the confessor assigns.  The best motive for satisfaction is gratitude--gratitude for forgiveness received and for forthcoming chances to put grace to work.  Yes, as we move forward in the Christian life, our greatest satisfaction for sins is that which gives God the greatest satisfaction: "approaching the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help" (Heb 4:16).  Call upon Him in the foxhole.  Yeah, He knows as well as you: that's where we tend to call upon Him!  He'll listen!  ++  The best method of satisfaction is actual change--taking concerted actions contrary to previous sinful patterns.  That's avoiding the near occasion ("temptation") of sin: if I don't really want to repeat this behavior, I have to do something different.  So often as penitents we ignore this, but then we can't wonder how we revert to the attitude or action so easily.

Parents participate in the Church's ministry of reconciliation by teaching their children well:

• Modeling forgiveness: promptly seeking your spouse's and children's forgiveness when necessary; promptly offering forgiveness without heaping shame upon others for their misdeeds;  promptly going to Confession regularly, whether your children know it or not (I don't think it would hurt if they actually saw you head toward the confessional on occasion, not to make a spectacle of yourself but to assure them that it's OK to go.  You won't disintegrate!)
• Talking about patterns of vice and particular sins:  In a non-threatening, non-embarrassing forum (i.e., not right after the kid has done something wrong and you've caught him), you lead with your own weaknesses (this isn't Confession, it's not a grossly candid, Jerry Springer-esque sort of sharing that burdens children with an inappropriate insecurity about their home life).  "I have weaknesses, too" may be a good start, but it's insufficient for the long haul.  In the wake of manifestations of particular behaviors and attitudes, it will be helpful to share your own experiences in the same areas.  Even if there isn't a direct correspondence of actions, you can share about situations that had a similar outcome or similar feelings involved.  As parents begin to foster an atmosphere of honesty, the question will arise of how to answer direct questions about particularly sensitive matters ("Mom, did you ever do drugs?").  I suggest that there is a way to be honest about past sinful choices or habits that encourages children not to follow suit (although they very well may), as if your past is their permission slip.  I have heard it put very well: "You don't have to do it the way I did."  They still have the choice, but now it is fortified by solid, unappealing experience.

The Domestic Church of the family has much to do with maximizing contrition and minimizing attrition.  As young people learn genuine contrition, I believe that the chance of losing them to secular society and to other religions will decrease.  Be encouraged that older people can learn contrition, too; it's never too late to become the best possible person and example.